melatonin & pinolenic acid

FYI Melatonin supplements are just as strong as any OTC sleep aid I've tried. I took it for the first time last night to see how it made me feel...and im still pretty out of it. i took it at 10:15 last night, and it is now 10:45 in the morning, and im still loopy feeling! good thing I didnt take it when I had to be up early. I do have to go in to class at 1pm, so hopefully it will wear off by then. I bought them in 5 mg tablets and then cut it up into 4 peices...apparently that roughly 1.25 mg is too much for me....imagine if i had taken the whole pill! Oh, AND it gives you crazy dreams....I usually dont remember my dreams a whole lot, but I definitely remember last nights...it involved a bear with a gun, lol...it wasnt a nightmare or anything, just weird. Anyways, just wanted to share that with anyone who wants a "natural" alternative to sleep aids.

Also, I finally gor those pinolenic acid supplements in the mail, and I didn't realize that there is trans fat in it! That makes me mad. Also, I guess I kind of understand why...since its in pill form and needs to be shipped all around the country, and then it gets stored in the cupboard for who knows how long...that is why it needs to be hydrogenated, to be stable...but still...they should have made it a refrigerated product so it wouldnt have to have trans fat and be shelf stable. Anyways, so now I am hesistating trying it...I know it is supposed to suppress your appetite, but it's hard to knowingly eat trans fat. I need to brush up on this whole trans fat thing again...like i only know how they turn regular fat into trans fat, but i dont know how your body handles it...i heard that since the body doesnt recognize it cuz its not naturally occruring in nature, that it just stores it. I dont know. That scares me. ok, gotta go get ready for class...

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I just wanted to say thank you...

...for all your comments and reading my rambles...it's sooo comforting to know I'm not alone....it's been a crazy week...and even though I don't always comment back, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate each and every one you! Thanks again for being my support!

Thoughts on Thinspo....

yea this pic is kinda Mean, kinda funny...sometimes I feel like the chick on the left...I know I'm not that big...but when I'm around thin people, this is how I feel. Anyways, about thinspo...sometimes I find pics of larger girls more inspiring because it instills FEAR in my head that I could be like that if I don't get my shit under control. Sometimes pics of skinny chicks just makes me depressed and the thought of never being like that enters my mind and then i just think "fuck it, so ill never be like that, so ill just give up." Does anyone else feel this way?

I view my belief in God/religion somewhat similiarly (fyi, i was raised Christian/Lutheran and i dont know what to believe about God and Jesus and all that cuz if thats right then everyone else is wrong, and i have a hard time believing that too)...so the point is I guess I have a belief in something God-like out there based soley on the fact that I dont want to be punished for not believing...it is my fear that drives me to believe in God...it is not the feeling of love, support, happiness, meaning of life you get from having a relationship with God that would drive me to Christianity...

...k sorry if ive lost anyone...im just saying that FEAR spans across many aspects of my life...i am in no way trying to put disordered eating on the same level of religion/spirituality....but doesnt this feel like a religion sometimes? the way it dictates our lives?

I'm sorry you guys for this rant...it turned in to more than i wanted and i hope i didnt offend anyone....I'm just saying that fear is a big motivating factor for me

I hope this made sense somewhat...I'm pretty tired...I had a long day which included some cramming for a biochem exam tomorrow so i am exhausted and i dont think anything i am saying is making sense anymore.

In any case...sometimes looking at pics of fat people is more motivating to be thin!

SBC weigh-in...

...is 115.0....so i lost, but that's only down from 116.2, so it may just be water weight loss cuz i did a cardio workout this morning. so, yea, i'm gonna try harder in the coming weeks.

so i went to whole foods to buy some of that pinolenic acid i was talking about and the guy that works in the area said "um yea we dont have that" and gave me a strange look. fucking smug-ass whole foods workers...you know you work for a huge corporation just like most americans, so u can take that stick out of you ass now! sorry, had to get that off my chest.

...i actually have never had a negative experience in there...everyone is always SUPER helpful and willing to run around the store looking for one thing for you....but sometimes you get some guy on his high horse ..."oooh we would NEVER carry anything like THAT."...case in point, when my brother when looking for some pre-made biscuits (like a whole foods version of those pillsbury compressed cylinder things) and so my brother asked and the employee was all "Im sorry sir, whole foods has a policy to not carry partially gelatinated prepaked gum based products." My brother should have said fuck you! All my brother wanted was some damn biscuits, which they do have frozen ones by the way, and would have been perfect had he told my brother that.

Wow, that was a longer rant than anticipated. So, anyways, back to the pinolenic acid. So I went online to vitacost and they have two products, one called PinnoThin, and the other PineSlim...I think I bought the PinnoThin...oh and some melatonin to help me sleep. So I am now just waiting for my package to come in the mail...and then I will report back on their effectiveness. Oh, and i did buy pine nuts, which is where pinolenic acid comes from, and they are quite filling. But just like any nut/seed they are calorie dense...so I'm gonna see how just eating a tablespoon makes me feel.

I also still need to weigh myself for the SBC at some point today...prob later on when I shower.

I hope everyone is doing well!

one more thing....

i was reading about how that fats in pine nuts have an effect on the hormones that regulate appetite, and apparently pine nuts are good for appetite control. i guess some study about pinolenic acid extract that was released showed that people ate 36% less when consuming the extract...so yea...i just wanted to share that info with everyone! i think im gonna go to whole foods and see if they have any extract...or at least pine nuts or pine nut oil to put on top of salad. hope everyone is doing well!

pgx...broken down

so i bought some pgx capsules awhile back to suppress my appetite and make me feel full. they are also apparently supposed to counteract the effect of foods high on the glycemic index so that you dont get that sugar rush and the following crash. anyways, i stopped taking them cuz they made me feel super bloated...but hey i wasn't eating as much. unfortunately i didnt take them long enough to see results, but i think im gonna try again and be more consistant with it. in any case, i was super curious to see what the capsule looked like when it was all dissolved...and the picture to the right is the result. the capsule releases a bunch of material that closely resembles apple pulp. oh, and i have a confession...whole foods was out of the vegetatrian formula, and i really wanted to buy it, so i bought the capsules and they have gelatin in it. im pretty dissapointed with myself...as long as its a one time thing. ill keep ya posted about the effectiveness of this stuff cuz im gonna start taking it again.

You Guys

...are awesome! Thanks, once again, for your wonderful comments! RayRay...I'm not Catholic, but it sounds like I might as well be huh! I guilt trip myself like non-stop, and always hoping I'm not offending people even though I have strong opinions about a lot of things.

On another note, I've already broken a few Spring Break Challenge rules.

1) I've already broken my own personal goal of being active every day. About the only activity I've had is walking across campus, haha.

2) I haven't binged, per se, but I have def. eaten more than I planned.

3) As a result, the food crept up my throat, and when I burped, I totally threw up in my mouth...so I ran to the bathroom and puked, just a little bit so I could go to bed.

I feel pretty bad. I'm not keeping up my end of the deal with this. I'm having a really hard time restricting right now...prob mostly cuz my ED history is with mia. Fuck, this sucks. I will never be normal. I need help/advice with not eating at night. I'm usually fine during the day....it's the night when I mess up all the goodness of the day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Have a good day!

Jenna, i know i feel bad for judging people i dont know either...especially when i only hear one side...but yea, her comments hurt and i appreciate ur support and taking the time to read whats on my mind...RayRay, ur right...i should totally say something like that back to her...but the thing is i would feel bad saying it!..although i shouldnt feel bad. i just dont want to inflict the pain i feel (when people make negative comments about my body) onto anyone. maybe ill start off with something on a smaller scale...like if she says something to me about something i didn't do (i.e. tp incident or taking out the trash) then ill come back with a response to that to point out that she isnt perfect either...and then ill use ur line "what, so u can dish it, but not take it?"...that would be a good start i think. thanks for the advice!

grrr

ok i just have to get this off my chest..maybe im PMSing right now, i dont know. so yea my roommate makes me soooooo angry sometimes. i just went to the bathroom, and the tp roll was empty, but i didnt realize this until after i already went...no big deal, i do that to myself sometimes and when no one is here i just ran out to the closet to get more...anyways so since she was here i ask her to grab me a roll and she was all "how does it feel bitch" and laughed (she says bitch all the time..its not meant to be mean)...but what pissed me off is that she said it as if i leave empty rolls in there all the time! which i know i accidently have on occasion...but i also remember to refill it all the time. it just makes me so mad cuz she is so fucking quick to point out what i do wrong, but never acknowledges that she does stuff like that too. im not asking her to admit that she forgets to put tp in there too, or that she doesn't reline the trash can after she takes out the trash or anything like that...i just get sooooo annoyed when she makes comments like that where she blames me for shit that she also does. she is totally one of those people that think their shit dont stink...well let me tell ya, it does, and it annoys the hell out of me. god, she just never admits to being wrong. also, i was wearing this sweater the other day that goes over my butt and is tight, but i wear it over jeans and she goes "why do you wear that sweater, it makes ur ass look even bigger than it already is." who says shit like that? she is totally demeaning sometimes and to be honest, it hurts my feelings. she is the same height as me, but is about 60 pounds heavier, but i NEVER say anything about her body, NEVER. maybe the normal person could brush comments like that off, but i cant. i mean i obviously have body issues, so this kind of stuff really affects me. whenever she would make any comments before i would laigh along with her and brush it off...but now its really getting to me...its getting old listening to her shit every fucking day...so now when she makes comments i just dont say anything at all...so shell say a comment, laugh at what she said, wait for a reaction -which she wont get from me-and then she kinda laughs to herself again, but i can tell she feels kinda stupid for saying whatever it is she said. you know what she kind of reminds me of? those construction workers that whistle and say things to you to get ur attention as u walk by...u know they are just looking for any kind of reaction, doesnt matter, they just want acknowledment that u heard and when u dont give them any kind of reaction at all, they stop or whatever. the point im trying to make is that i want to make her feel stupid for saying all the shit she says...so yea, ill just be passive and not say a word or make a face or anything...so shell just sit there laughing to herself about how "witty" she is, but no one's listening. anyways, sorry about my rant...i just had to get that off my chest...ok, not i really have to study!

back up again

...to 116.2...and that's after going to the bathroom in the morning. oh well. i am doing the spring break challenge though! so hopefully ill be motivated by that to get out of this rut i feel like im in. also i need to lose weight just in case i actually do do something for spring break this year. last year my boyfriend and his friend and girlfriend all took a road trip in an old RV down to palm dessert, and then over to LA and it was sooo much fun. and that trip was sooo last minute, so i had no time to prepare. also, the other girl that went was really thin...but at least thinking about that trip motivates me to lose weight, or at the very least tone up so i can be ready for anything. i guess thats all for now...time to do some studying =(

Dec. 6

Thanks guys for you supportive comments! You are all sooo nice! Annabullshit, best line of the movie! "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight" lol! That comment made my day...that is definitely how I feel...except, I'm more like 5 stomach flus away haha.

I am feeling slightly improved from yesterday. The doctor said that it's normal to still be experiencing some painful bloating. He pressed down on my abdomen and said it still feels like there is still a little bloating and hardness in my intestinal area. So, yea, I'm continuing to take it slow, although I am back to my coffee drinking, so that cant be great for my digestive system. But at this point, like I said before, I don't mind still feeling bloated, cuz then I don't eat as much. I still have all of my energy and everything, so I must be eating enough.

I haven't weighed myself yet...I'll post that later...I'm crossing my fingers...

nice little trip to the ER

This past week has been bittersweet. Last Friday at about 2am my stomach started to get sharp pains and swell...then about an hour later I was running to the bathroom and shitting and puking my brains out (sorry for the gross image)...but it was baaaad. Then, I went back to bed, but ended up running back and forth between the bathroom and my bedroom for another hour. On my last time to the bathroom, I though I was gonna pass out. After I was done in there, I barely made it back to my room. I was stumbling around trying not to fall to the ground. So I finally got back to bed to lay down. Then, I started to hear this "SSSSHHHHHHHHHHH"ing sound constantly in my ear. Then I really started to freak out, but all I could do was lay there cuz I was feeling so weak. So I just decided I would wait till my roommate woke up so she could take my pulse and blood pressure. When she finally did, she said my blood pressure was very low, and my heart rate was really high (she's an EMT so she said that was really bad). So she took me to the ER where they hooked up an IV and pumped a bunch of fluids back into me. The Dr. said she thought I had a bug thats been going around and that everything is fine otherwise cuz nothing came back in my urine. She told me to rest and not eat anything and only drink liquids for the rest of the day...I was happy to hear her say that.

So its been almost a week now, and my stomach is still not back to normal. I thought I was doing better on Super Bowl Sunday, and went over to my bf''s house and ate somewhat normally. I didnt really have anything heavy since about the only vegan thing they had there were sweet potato fries and tortilla chips. Maybe it was the oils? I don't know, but whatever it was, it attacked my stomach again in the middle of the night, but not nearly as bad as before. So ever since Sunday, Ive just been really careful with how much I eat.

The good side of this? I havent been able to binge cuz it hurts too much to have excessive amounts of food in my stomach. But the bad side is I feel constantly bloated and constipated. But I am happy cuz my stomach problems are preventing me from eating, and all the bloating makes me feel constantly full. I am going to the doctor today for the follow up for my ER visit. I hope its nothing serious and he just confirms that its just some bad bacteria in my stomach that will eventually leave. I dont want to take any medicine. Sometimes I hate western medicine...always trying to pump us with pills instead of addressing the problem. Maybe I'll have my friend take me to a Chinese Herbalist...she swears by that kinda stuff. Hey, I'm open to anything, esp. when it is something that is NOT manufactured in some laboratory somewhere.

But do you wanna know that sickest part of all of this? I almost dont want to get immediately better because Ive been doing really well at controlling my eating. Before I got sick, I had gotten up to 117, then 2 days ago, it said 113.2, and yesterday it said 114.2...I just dont want to go back up to 117! I'm scared. I havent weighed myself today, but I know if my stomach continues to hurt, the less I eat, and hopefully the less I weigh. Yea, Im sick in the head.