I'm Baaack!

...well, at least I think I am. Soooo much has changed since, what was it? April? I have so much to say, but I'll get to the part that matters...I saw 107.0 lbs this week!!! This morning I was like 108 point something, but the fact of the matter is is that I have not seen those kinds of numbers since maybe freshman year of high school, like 10 or 11 years ago! Wow, I am starting to feel old. I will write more later...it feels good to be back...I need this, I need all of you to help me take my mind away from the spinning thoughts that invade my head...does that sentence even make sense? Oh well, I will be back soon....

April 12 (yes, very creative title, I know)

Savory Sweet, yea the whole cruelty-free dairy sometimes gets me spinning in circles...especially since it is all word of mouth really anyways..there is no federal regulation on those cage-free/free range labels...so i guess if i really wanna be anal i have to research the companies/farms that produce the eggs..aaaggghhh! yea, it frustrates me...im just gonna do it to the best of my ability.

Nadja and coastal girl, thanks for the comments...yea so far so good as far as the protein goes...and it does feel good to be exercising again....even though i still have down days and get super stressed about everything in life, im starting to realize that working out takes the edge off.

Damn, it's been awhile

I'm still here! A lot has been happening both in my eating and personal life...I started to reincorporate dairy back into my diet. I'm still vegetarian, but, when it comes down to it my body comes first and then the animals. I'm trying to justify it in my head by only buying organic free range eggs (free-range the hens are let out during the day, where as cage-free they only have a little hole in the side of their cage but they are still crammed in there and may or may not be aware that they have a hole to get out, so they never leave)..I think I got that right...someone correct my if I'm wrong...oh, and I buy rennet-free nonfat cottage cheese (rennet is an enzyme cultivated from a baby cows stomach...its killed to retrieve the enzyme). So, what got me to start eating dairy again? I started to count carbs, fat, protein, fiber etc in addition to just calories...and realized how high my carb intake was. This whole time my primary focus was on calories and I kept on majorly fluctuating in weight...but since uping my protein intake and lowering my carb intake I am maintaing at about 113.0...I even saw 112.2 a couple days ago! So, of the things I eat...I am eating about 35-40% protein...and man I forgot how full I get from eating high protein foods such as nonfat greek yogurt and nonfat cottage cheese...a little goes a long way...oh, and that brand Muscle Milk has a 100 calorie version and it has 15 grams of protein and only 5 grams carbs...so u feel full for super long...it hasnt been that long to see a dramatic loss in weight...only like almost 2 weeks since i started eating dairy again...but I just feel fuller longer on lesser amounts of food.

Also, I've been doing Tracy Anderson workouts...Ive been doing her Mat workout and it is kicking my ass...my arms have never burned like that before! And what I like about the workout is that she focuses on forming a lean body instead of bulky. I just got her dance cardio workout...I'll let you guys know how that goes...but its not gonna be pretty cuz I cant dance worth shit....at least i can do it in the privacy of my own room haha.

Oh, and on a side note, I'm getting a new roommate and I'm changing my major...so yea...life is changing...lets hope my body will finally start changing in a positive way too!

Hope you all are well!

One more Class...

...and then it's Spring Break! And I can focus on what I really need to focus on...weight loss! I am sooooo ready for Spring Break. Ahhh, a whole week off where I don't have to think about Biochem or anything! I can't wait...but I still have one last class on Friday..it's a fun class, but it's still class. I am definitely gonna come up with some kind of plan to lose weight that is more specific than my other failed plans...and then hopefully I will successfully put it into action, and be where I need to be by the end of Finals and the beginning of my Summer!

btw, I think I might need a new scale? I get on this morning...attempt #1: 113.6 lbs....attempt #2: 113.8......attempt #3: 114.0....attempt #4: 113.0....attempt #5: 113.6...wtf? whatever....so I'm going with 113.6 lbs this morning. Ok, time to get ready for work.

Another thing...

does anyone know the accuracy of heart rate monitors when they report calories burned? It allows me to enter my weight, and mine is female specific (I think, cuz it's pink)...but it says after an hour and a half of working out that I've burned over 1000 cals! I just highly doubt that....even some calculators online seem to over estimate...like I don't even believe I've burned 500 cals on a step machine in an hour...that just seems too easy. Any advice?

Just Waiting...

...for the caffeine to kick in. I'm soooo tried. I just took Hydroxycut which should wake me up...and I'm drinking a sugar-free rockstar (which I am positive is not vegan, damn it). I know they are bad for me, esp. the rockstar with the artificial sweetners and dyes, but I don't care when I have a day of studying to power through. On days like this I really wish I had a more powerful substance to get through studying, but I can't. I have 4 years of being clean & sober under my belt, so to take adderall (which is what I really want right now) would erase all my hard work of staying clean. Adderall wasn't what I was into when I was using, but I have such an addictive personality I have to stay away from anything like it...the only thing I can have is caffeine...and more recently I've been taking Hydroxycut. For being an ex- pill popper, I can't seem to remember to take all my frickin diet pills! I've tried everything recently...pgx fiber pills and powder, pinolenic acid supplements (pine nut oil), and now hydroxycut....but I don't take them consistantly enough to see results....well, not only that, but I am terrified that they may have a negative effect on my birth control...that would be a nightmare. I am hesistant to ask my OBGYN or my main doctor cuz then they would get on me for trying to lose weight cuz in medical terms I'm where I am supposed to be (5'2.5" / 114 lbs)...but we all know the healthy range for weight in medical terms in TOO HIGH! Wow, this is turning into a ramble...sorry! Now I forgot my point of all this...

Oh...does anyone have a recommendation for an over-the-counter stimulant (besides caffeine)?

Fuck...maybe I should just kick caffeine too...I've been thinking about it...but I need something to jump start my days, and to keep me going.

I don't know...I have this horrible all-or-nothing personality...and I'm super indecisive too. I don't really beleive in the whole Astrological sign crap, but I am a Gemini, and I think it describes me perfectly....I always feel split down the middle. Sometimes its good...like I totally can sympathize with 2 opposing stories/groups/ideas etc...but sometimes its bad, like when it comes to my body...

Sometimes I'm on a health kick, and eat well, exercise, and limit my caffeine intake and trying to lose weight the healthy way....other days I severely restrict..... I am taking all these pills to suppress my appetite, I don't eat all day, then I'll binge at night, and I'll drink massive amounts of energy drinks. Also, sometimes I just say fuck it, and start binging from the beginning of the day. I can never find balance. Moderation is a foreign concept to me. I don't do anything in moderation. And where has that gotten me? Well, weight wise...NOWHERE! I really apply myself at school, and that is paying off well with good grades...why can't apply that to my diet/exercise regime? Why can't I give it my all? Oh, and another thing...that all or nothing mentality fucks me up when I've binged...I think, "I just ate all that, so I might as well keep on going"...so frustrating...

Ok, enough self-hatred, I want to switch gears...

Kat at Quest for Perfection has 2 amazing/filling/low-cal recipes for soup. I've tried this one, and it was good..except I accidently added too much pepper, haha...oh and instead of using olive oil, I used Trader Joe's Canola Oil cookng spray cuz as long as I don't spray a lot, it's lower calorie, and I think might work just as well. Also, I plan on trying this one when I want to take a break from studying.

Thanks Kat!

Ok, I'm going to go catch up on all your blogs, then start studying! Have a good day!

Dude...RANT!!!

My period must be coming cuz I am PMSing like crazy...either that, or my roommate truly is annoying. So, like I said earlier, I was at my boyfriend's all weekend, and I just got home...it's around 7:30 in the morning here, and her suburban is taking up both our parking spots! We share a driveway with the people downstairs, so we all need to abide by the parking arrangement, otherwise someone will be blocked in. So with the way she parked, I would either have to park on the street (which I hate doing cuz I need to empty some shit out of my car and its easier in the driveway) or I would have to block our neighbor's car....so right now I am blocking my neighbor's car...grrr. I don't understand why she did that? She know's I was with S (I figure I should give him some kind of title by now cuz I hate saying "boyfriend" all the time) and then whenever I come bakc from his place it's usually late at night or early in the morning. Whatever. Just pisses me off sometimes. Totally inconsiderate. And it forces me to be inconsiderate to our neighbors if they have to leave anytime soon, and I hate doing that.

Am I overreacting? I guess all these things just build up, and then I explode in my head about the little things...but sometimes it's all about the little things and that they really add up, you know?

Oh, and another thing...so no suprise I measure out all the food I eat, whether I'm doing a really good job of restricting , or counting the calories I'm about to binge on (I count them all)...and so I've been relatively good about eating more "healthy" and I was making myself a salad with cabbage, celery and carrots, and I grab two stalks of celery which I know is 20 cals per 2 medium stalks, and she comes into the kitchen, grabs a stick and takes a big bite out of it! She does shit like this all the time, just to see if it annoys me..and I usually just be nice and laugh it off...but this time all I did was look at her, not saying a word. Then she said "sorry, did that annoy you" and I said "it's just that I already measured it, so here" and I handed her the celery stalk "finish it, cuz now I have to grab a new one." Then she said sorry. But it's like, why the fuck do you do shit like this in the first place? It's so aggravating...she might be moving out in the summer, so then I could get a roommate that isn't so annoying...or a roommate that understands me and shares the same issues with food and stuff, haha. Anyone wanna come live in California? =)

I miss my old roommate. We got along so well, but she transfered down to a college like 4 hours away. She was just fun to be around...super nice, not condescending at all...and good thinspiration...she wore like size 00 pants.

Anyways, I'm tired of it all. I even started to think that it was ME....why am I never in the mood to socialize with the current roommate? But I started to think about it, and I don't think it's me. I mean, wouldn't everyone avoid being around someone that brings them down?

Another thing is that I'm tired of all the vegan jokes. Yes, I eat a lot of vegetables because they are good for you! Obviously a concept that is beyond the scope of my roommate's comprehension. She buys chips and stuff and tries to guilt trip me into eating them "I bought them for you!"...yea, way to try and make up for all the times ur mean to me. I'm not eating any of ur fucking food. I am actively trying to cut out proccessed foods right now, and I've been pretty successful....the more fresh veggies I eat, the less I eat of anything else, which is good. It's too soon to tell the effect on my weight...I'm still about 114.

Ok, I have more to talk about, but I have to get ready for class. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Real Quick

I've been at work and my boyfriend's house all weekend (and I'm still here) and I'm dying to catch up on everyone's blogs but I can't be on here for more than a couple minutes at a time or he might notice. Tomorrow I will write more. But I just wanted to say hi! Hope everyone is well!

btw...

...Bravo's Make Me A Supermodel is really good thinspiration. I like it better than America's Next Top Model cuz Tyra Banks annoys me. I still watch her show for thinspiration, but every word out of her mouth and all her expressions really annoy me. She is a joke. But I like Make Me a Supermodel....Tyson Beckford is hot, and he;s not annoying at all and seems way more professional than Tyra. Ok, enough ranting.

Celery & Mustard

I can't remember who posted this idea of eating celery with mustard, but it is genius...it totally stopped me from binging on mac n' cheese! So thank you to whoever suggested that!

I feel pretty good for stopping that binge. I normally don't have non-vegan food around to eat, but I had to practice clarifying butter and making a bechamel sauce for this food prep class I have to take. I haven't bought animal products for myself in a year, so out of respect for the animal, since I already bought it, I didn't want to waste a drop. I decided to turn the bechamel into a cheese sauce to make macaroni and cheese that I took up to my boyfriend and his roommates. I was going to take the whole pan up to my boyfriend, but my roommate said that she wanted some, so I left a good amount for her. Well it ended up that she didn't even like it (which was weird..this was like gourmet mac and cheese, and she didnt like it, but she likes freakin easy mac...whatever). My boyfriend loved it, and one of his roommates gobbled it down, so I know it was good. They would have told me if they didn't like it. Anyways, back to the point, which is since my roommate didn't like it, there was still some left in my house, and eventhough it was the complete opposite of vegan, I wanted so bad to eat it all. So I went out there...took a bite, then thought to myself, what the hell am i doing? So i spit it out, and threw the rest away. I felt bad wasting it, but the roommate wasn't going to eat it and by the time I see my boyfriend next, it wouldnt be good anymore. So, yea. It almost became a really bad binge.

So, instead, since I was craving salty, I ate celery and spicy mustard. Phew! And now that mac and cheese is in the trash and is no longer taunting me!

correction...

Savory Sweet....i just realized it's sesame soy ginger vinaigrette dressing from Trader Joe's (not soy sesame)...and neither of them are in the refrigerated area ...they are on some shelf...usually by the olive oils and stuff. So yea...enjoy!
Jenna...im glad the hard part of the week is over too! I'm gonna treat myself with sleeping in! I can't wait =) I hope your fast is going well!

A few things...

Hey Celia, Savory1sick, and My Dirty Little Secret thanks for the info! It was all very helpful. I've just always been curious about avoiding wheat and stuff. I mean, I usually buy whole wheat products over any other whole grain product so I'm just weighing out the pros and cons. Maybe I'll try wheat-free stuff when I do have to buy grains cuz I do get bloated sometimes, but I never thought it was the wheat until now. Anyways thanks!

Dude, I'm so glad the past couple of days are over. If you read earlier, I left a textbook on top of my car and drove off without knowing, so I lost it. So I had to order one online, expedited shipping so it gets here quickly so i dont fall that far behind. I ran all over the chemistry department today seeing if anyone was nice enough to turn it in...no luck, of course. They probably sold it back to the bookstore. My professor felt so bad that he lent me his only copy so I could study over the weekend for the midterm next week. So nice of him! He is a super intense guy, and some people think he is mean, but I don't mind his intensity...with the shit he'e been through, I'd get annoyed by people's stupidity too.

Anyways, so things seem to be coming together. The hardest part of the week is over. Two exams, a paper and a presentation are all over...now just one exam friday. phew!

It's weird, sometimes, well actually most times when I am stressed I pig out on food....usually when studying and writing papers...but when I'm stressed about non-school related issues, I don't eat. I wish non of my stress came from school, then maybe I'd be able to loose this damn weight. Oh, I did just discover Trader Joe's Fat-Free Balsamic Vinegrette Dressing...25 calories per 2 Tablespoons! How great is that! So I'm gonna start using that to make salads with spinach, cabbage, celery and carrots. Oh, and FYI, big carrot sticks that you have to peel and stuff are sooooo much more flavorful than the baby carrots which I usually buy...makes carrots a lot easier to want to eat when i want to binge cuz they actually taste good. Oh and another salad dressing that is good is Trader Joe's Soy Sesame Dressing...only 35 cals/2 Tablespoons....fat free too, I think, but I'm not sure. There is some sugar in there though, like 6 or 7 grams maybe...same with the balsamic...but hey, it's better than those 140 calories and up salad dressings!

Hope everyone is well!

Also,,,,

has anyone ever tried eliminating wheat from their diet? I know it's a common allergen, but if your not allergic to it, is there a benefit from not eating it? ...or even eliminating gluten? Does anyone know why some people don't eat gluten?

Thanks!

Thank you

for all of your wonderful comments over the last couple of days! I love the support on here! I love reading each and every comment...it's nice to know people care.

So, no one has turned in my textbook (yet) so I just went ahead and ordered one used online, so I hope it gets here in time to study for my exam which is a week from tomorrow.

I Am ...

...a complete moron. I'm so out of it sometimes.....so, I after class this morning, I walk back to my car, place my binder and textbook on top of my car to free my hands so I can look for my keys. I find my keys, get my car, and take off. As I am driving through the parking structure, I go over a speed bump, and hear a loud noise, but shrug it off thinking it's some crap in the trunk moving around. Then, a couple blocks away from school, I look around my car and realize that my chem book and binder aren't there! I fucking left them on top of my car! So I pull over immediately...my super expensive text is gone, but my binder was still there. So at least I have the majority of my notes, but my textbook is gone, and that has a lot of notes in it too! Fuck, I'm so mad at myself right now. I have a midterm a week from Wednesday in that class. I need that book. I even went back and circled the parking garage a couple times, knowing that I lost it when I went over that damn bump. But it wasn't there. This has been a stressful weekend, and already is a stressful week, and NOW I have this to add to it! I hope that someone turns it in...I mean it must of gotten super messed up when it feel off my car...and there are tons of notes in it, so I am hoping those are deterrents in tryinh to sell it back. I hope someone turns it in. When I find shit, I turn it in. I hope what goes around, comes around cuz I've totally turned in a wallet I've found (which had cash, which of course I did not take) and a parking permit I found on the ground at school which are super expensive. Karma's a bitch, so they better give me my book back. Alright, I have to take my mind off of this and go study for an exam I have in a couple hours. =(

Loooong Weekend/Motivation

Dude, this has been such a long weekend! I spent most of Saturday at this conference (for credit for a class I'm taking) that relates to my major. It started at 8 and went until 4! There were 5 speakers, and some of it was soooo boring. By the time the 4th speaker came on, who actually seemed pretty interesting cuz she was talking about this food service company that is all about sustainability and being kind to earth etc...but me and this other chick that I went with were over it, so we left and came back to my house and studied. Oh, and then daylight savings fucked me up...I had work Sunday morning at 8, so technically that is like, 7am, and I didn't get much sleep. Work was long, then I saw my boyfriend for like an hour, eventhough I haven't seen him all week, I couldn't stay cuz I had to come home and work on this project for school until 1am this morning.

Oh, but I did get something out of this conference that I feel like we could all apply to our lives...one of the women who spoke is like a motivational speaker who does life coaching for people in the health proffesions industry...well she asked us really good questions about what our paths in life were and stuff like that. But of course, being EDNOS, I apply it to my goals and the path I want to take to get the body I want. Here are some things to think about:

*Who must I be in order for my visions to come true?

*We must step out of our comfort zones (ie stop binging for me and sulking) to become the person we want to be.

*If we keep doing what we are doing, we will keep getting what we're getting, soooo......What part of me am I willing to give up to become the new me?

She was also talking about "unique essence"....but in her speech, she was referring to "what is it about myself and what I do that will attract people to my business/services?"

Unique Essence = competitive advantage.

But I want all of our Unique Essences to be that we are skinny! haha

To be thin, is to have a competitive advantage.

Anyways, I need to start getting ready for class otherwise I am going to be super late.

Funny Stuff

So I just read this chick's quote on myspace...love it!

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."

Ahhh, that made my day...and I hope it makes yours =)

taking it to the next level

Before I forget, I want to give you a quick update on that pinolenic acid supplement: for the most part, I don't feel a difference. Maybe it will work over the long run...but it sure doesn't feel like it. I'm gonna keep taking it till it's gone, but I think that eating small amounts of actual raw pine nuts works better for me...but since it's a nut, portion control is super important.

So anyways, since I am plateaued at around 115.0 which seems to be the weight i keep on returning to for the past several months now, I think I am going to move towards raw veganism, instead of just regular veganism. I think from now on I am going to buy raw when I go grocery shopping. I won't throw out the food i have right now, i'll just slowly move away from eating the cooked things i have left and start incorporating more raw. so i am hoping going raw will do the trick!

Procrastination

So i'm supposed to be writing a paper right now and putting together a presentation, but i'm getting super distracted. I just wanna share this artist with you guys...her paintings are awesome...here is a link to her website. Her name is Caia Koopman, and she is awesome. Oh, and you can buy these really cute cases with her designs on them...i really want one. Here is that link. I wish I were that creative. Anyways, I think I'm gonna change my profile pic to one of her paintings. Ok, NOW i am going to write that paper...

I keep on finding myself looking at other chicks bodies, and thinking "i would kill to have her body." I know its just a saying, but when you really think about it...i would kill to look like that? if in my head i am saying i would KILL to look like that, than shouldn't i be able to WORKOUT and EAT LESS to look like that? so that got me thinking that i CAN do this. I just need to constantly give myself positive reinforcement...like I CAN and WILL get there and there is no other option.

I've thrown myself a lot of pity parties over the idea that i'll never loose enough weight or be toned all over, and pity parties don't work...they usually result in binges for me...which is bad cuz i binge as a result of most any semi-negative feelings...boredom, stress, etc. It is when I am happy that I don't rely on food to adjust my mood.

I can think back to about 5 or so years ago when I began dating my current boyfriend. I was 130 when I met him and over the course of a couple months I lost 10 pounds, but not even on purpose. We were just always hanging out, going out with friends...it was fun...we also worked together so we took our breaks together and would go out to his car and make out instead of eat. haha. Then, I went to rehab (for drugs and they tried and failed to address my bulimic tendencies) and gained 12 pounds...came home and the weight fell off again to about 120 cuz i dived right into AA and was going to meetings and made a bunch of friends so we were always going out and I was happy, once again.

The only thing is...I'm about 114 lbs right now and I dont know how I got here...over the course of the last year and a half my weight went down from 120 to 114, and I'm stuck! it took me forever to get over the 120 hump, now i cant seem to maintain anything under 114-115. So, I am upping my workout sessions. I need to jumpstart my weight loss again, and despite being stressed out at school, I need to find things to do that make me feel good without food.

I constantly am telling myself food will not solve my problems.

When I am bored, food will not entertain me.

When I am depressed, food will only sink me into a greater depression.

When I am upset, food will not calm me.

And when I am happy, I don't need food!

Also, I keep on telling myself that if I binge, I will let you all down. I want to show you all that this can be done. I want to inspire you the way that you inspire me.

I really want us to acheive our goal weights, and I think we all can.

Another thing that helps me to not eat is thinking about possible upcoming events/situations where being skinny is neccessary:

-spring break, obviously..eventhough i have no plans, things sometimes pop up, like last year when i took a last minute drive down the coast to LA and to Palm Springs with the boyfriend and friends

-trips to santa cruz...my old roommate will be back for the summer and her group of friends, both guys and girls all have great bodies...and i want to actually want to go to the beach with them

-my future sister-in-laws bachelorette party weekend in tahoe, and of course the wedding that will follow (i am a bridesmaid)

-there are always parties, big and small, and the house where my boyfriend lives. his roommates love to drink for every holiday imaginiable...next one, is of course St. Patty's Day...oh, and summer is just around the corner, so i know they will be having BBQ's all the time

-also, i do like the attention my family gives me for loosing weight...of course only my immediate family knows about the whole bumlimic thing so they always question my weight loss, but i get the feeling that the rest of my family doesnt...like my uncle always compliments me on how great i look when i loose weight..but always questions my style, haha...he is like a super-conservative business-man type, so when i wear like crazy plaid shoes or whatever he always comments...makes me laugh...he can criticize my style all he wants, just don't tell me i'm fat haha

Wow, this post is turning into something way longer than i thought. Oh well.

One more point I want to make is that whenever I am hungry, I think of these future situations AND i also think about past times when people have told me i look thin, and HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO BE TOLD THAT. It's true what they say, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Ok, thanks for reading.

And on that note, i have to go do something that does not make me happy...write a paper...hopefully that won't trigger a binge.

more vikki blows thinspo

vikki blows/i wish i were taller

She's good thinspo for me cuz she's short like me (I think around 5'2"), and i love her style. Oh, that reminds me, when I went to the doctor the other day they measured my height...i though i was 5'3"...well apparently i'm 5'2.5" ....i need that extra half inch! Especially given the fact that I should be taller than i am. my mom is 5'6" and my dad is 6'...no one in my extended family is as short as me...my 14 year old cousin has a good 5" on me. the reason i say i'm supposed to be taller is that when i was 12 (and not finished growing) i had scoliosis...so there are 2 titanium rods fused to my spine...and they go the length of my back. they didnt fix the curvature of my spine, they just stopped it from getting worse. i bet if i didnt have them i'd be at least 5'4"...at least thats what the docs say. but, then again, if i didnt have them i'd prob look really messed up lol. anyways, thanks for reading my rant!

more pine nut talk & kelly carlson

hey nadja, so i really hope it works for you too. what i do is i have about a tablespoon or maybe one and a half with a glass of water when im wanting to eat something....it takes several minutes, but usually the hunger subsides...or if it doesn't and i do start to eat, more often than not it doesn't turn into a binge...so the last few nights have been pretty much binge free...im just not sure how much credit i can give to pine nuts...but hopefully it is the pine nuts cuz i really want you guys to all do well too.

Oh, and i was watching chelsea lately last night and kelly carlson (kimber from nip tuck) was on and she looked sooooo good (except i think they tan her too much for her character or something). Anyways, Chelsea asked how she looks so good, and she just said "i do moderate weight lifting, watch what i eat, and drink a lot of water." when celebrities say "i watch what i eat" i wonder what they limit themselves to...im always curious about that. She looked super thin last night..but toned thin, well at least in her arms. it was just good inspiration. i wish i could find some pics from last night...but ill have to settle with these for you guys. she does look good with the whole modern marilyn monroe haircut, but i like her with long hair too....i wish my neckline looked like hers in the pic with the yellow sweater.

Pinolenic Update

So I've only tried the pinolenic acid supplement (Pinnothin was the one I bought from vitacost.com) once...at night, when my cravings are the strongest. I dont know if it's mind over matter, but I really felt like eating less. BUT, then again, I haven't taken any this evening, and I don't feel like snacking either. So I'm not sure how effective it is. But I have been munching on actual pine nuts today, so maybe there is something about them that really does have an appetite supressing ability. I will try to be more consistant when taking it so that I can give you guys updates to let you know if the pinnothin works....but i will tell you that having a tablespoon or two of raw pine nuts every so often seems to help. I don't know why I buy raw...I guess im just assuming all the nutrients are still there...I suppose you could buy the roasted ones, I just dont know the effectiveness of pinolenic acid in cooked ones. anyways, so yea....hope everyone is doing well!

melatonin & pinolenic acid

FYI Melatonin supplements are just as strong as any OTC sleep aid I've tried. I took it for the first time last night to see how it made me feel...and im still pretty out of it. i took it at 10:15 last night, and it is now 10:45 in the morning, and im still loopy feeling! good thing I didnt take it when I had to be up early. I do have to go in to class at 1pm, so hopefully it will wear off by then. I bought them in 5 mg tablets and then cut it up into 4 peices...apparently that roughly 1.25 mg is too much for me....imagine if i had taken the whole pill! Oh, AND it gives you crazy dreams....I usually dont remember my dreams a whole lot, but I definitely remember last nights...it involved a bear with a gun, lol...it wasnt a nightmare or anything, just weird. Anyways, just wanted to share that with anyone who wants a "natural" alternative to sleep aids.

Also, I finally gor those pinolenic acid supplements in the mail, and I didn't realize that there is trans fat in it! That makes me mad. Also, I guess I kind of understand why...since its in pill form and needs to be shipped all around the country, and then it gets stored in the cupboard for who knows how long...that is why it needs to be hydrogenated, to be stable...but still...they should have made it a refrigerated product so it wouldnt have to have trans fat and be shelf stable. Anyways, so now I am hesistating trying it...I know it is supposed to suppress your appetite, but it's hard to knowingly eat trans fat. I need to brush up on this whole trans fat thing again...like i only know how they turn regular fat into trans fat, but i dont know how your body handles it...i heard that since the body doesnt recognize it cuz its not naturally occruring in nature, that it just stores it. I dont know. That scares me. ok, gotta go get ready for class...

good music

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I just wanted to say thank you...

...for all your comments and reading my rambles...it's sooo comforting to know I'm not alone....it's been a crazy week...and even though I don't always comment back, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate each and every one you! Thanks again for being my support!

Thoughts on Thinspo....

yea this pic is kinda Mean, kinda funny...sometimes I feel like the chick on the left...I know I'm not that big...but when I'm around thin people, this is how I feel. Anyways, about thinspo...sometimes I find pics of larger girls more inspiring because it instills FEAR in my head that I could be like that if I don't get my shit under control. Sometimes pics of skinny chicks just makes me depressed and the thought of never being like that enters my mind and then i just think "fuck it, so ill never be like that, so ill just give up." Does anyone else feel this way?

I view my belief in God/religion somewhat similiarly (fyi, i was raised Christian/Lutheran and i dont know what to believe about God and Jesus and all that cuz if thats right then everyone else is wrong, and i have a hard time believing that too)...so the point is I guess I have a belief in something God-like out there based soley on the fact that I dont want to be punished for not believing...it is my fear that drives me to believe in God...it is not the feeling of love, support, happiness, meaning of life you get from having a relationship with God that would drive me to Christianity...

...k sorry if ive lost anyone...im just saying that FEAR spans across many aspects of my life...i am in no way trying to put disordered eating on the same level of religion/spirituality....but doesnt this feel like a religion sometimes? the way it dictates our lives?

I'm sorry you guys for this rant...it turned in to more than i wanted and i hope i didnt offend anyone....I'm just saying that fear is a big motivating factor for me

I hope this made sense somewhat...I'm pretty tired...I had a long day which included some cramming for a biochem exam tomorrow so i am exhausted and i dont think anything i am saying is making sense anymore.

In any case...sometimes looking at pics of fat people is more motivating to be thin!

SBC weigh-in...

...is 115.0....so i lost, but that's only down from 116.2, so it may just be water weight loss cuz i did a cardio workout this morning. so, yea, i'm gonna try harder in the coming weeks.

so i went to whole foods to buy some of that pinolenic acid i was talking about and the guy that works in the area said "um yea we dont have that" and gave me a strange look. fucking smug-ass whole foods workers...you know you work for a huge corporation just like most americans, so u can take that stick out of you ass now! sorry, had to get that off my chest.

...i actually have never had a negative experience in there...everyone is always SUPER helpful and willing to run around the store looking for one thing for you....but sometimes you get some guy on his high horse ..."oooh we would NEVER carry anything like THAT."...case in point, when my brother when looking for some pre-made biscuits (like a whole foods version of those pillsbury compressed cylinder things) and so my brother asked and the employee was all "Im sorry sir, whole foods has a policy to not carry partially gelatinated prepaked gum based products." My brother should have said fuck you! All my brother wanted was some damn biscuits, which they do have frozen ones by the way, and would have been perfect had he told my brother that.

Wow, that was a longer rant than anticipated. So, anyways, back to the pinolenic acid. So I went online to vitacost and they have two products, one called PinnoThin, and the other PineSlim...I think I bought the PinnoThin...oh and some melatonin to help me sleep. So I am now just waiting for my package to come in the mail...and then I will report back on their effectiveness. Oh, and i did buy pine nuts, which is where pinolenic acid comes from, and they are quite filling. But just like any nut/seed they are calorie dense...so I'm gonna see how just eating a tablespoon makes me feel.

I also still need to weigh myself for the SBC at some point today...prob later on when I shower.

I hope everyone is doing well!

one more thing....

i was reading about how that fats in pine nuts have an effect on the hormones that regulate appetite, and apparently pine nuts are good for appetite control. i guess some study about pinolenic acid extract that was released showed that people ate 36% less when consuming the extract...so yea...i just wanted to share that info with everyone! i think im gonna go to whole foods and see if they have any extract...or at least pine nuts or pine nut oil to put on top of salad. hope everyone is doing well!

pgx...broken down

so i bought some pgx capsules awhile back to suppress my appetite and make me feel full. they are also apparently supposed to counteract the effect of foods high on the glycemic index so that you dont get that sugar rush and the following crash. anyways, i stopped taking them cuz they made me feel super bloated...but hey i wasn't eating as much. unfortunately i didnt take them long enough to see results, but i think im gonna try again and be more consistant with it. in any case, i was super curious to see what the capsule looked like when it was all dissolved...and the picture to the right is the result. the capsule releases a bunch of material that closely resembles apple pulp. oh, and i have a confession...whole foods was out of the vegetatrian formula, and i really wanted to buy it, so i bought the capsules and they have gelatin in it. im pretty dissapointed with myself...as long as its a one time thing. ill keep ya posted about the effectiveness of this stuff cuz im gonna start taking it again.

You Guys

...are awesome! Thanks, once again, for your wonderful comments! RayRay...I'm not Catholic, but it sounds like I might as well be huh! I guilt trip myself like non-stop, and always hoping I'm not offending people even though I have strong opinions about a lot of things.

On another note, I've already broken a few Spring Break Challenge rules.

1) I've already broken my own personal goal of being active every day. About the only activity I've had is walking across campus, haha.

2) I haven't binged, per se, but I have def. eaten more than I planned.

3) As a result, the food crept up my throat, and when I burped, I totally threw up in my mouth...so I ran to the bathroom and puked, just a little bit so I could go to bed.

I feel pretty bad. I'm not keeping up my end of the deal with this. I'm having a really hard time restricting right now...prob mostly cuz my ED history is with mia. Fuck, this sucks. I will never be normal. I need help/advice with not eating at night. I'm usually fine during the day....it's the night when I mess up all the goodness of the day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Have a good day!

Jenna, i know i feel bad for judging people i dont know either...especially when i only hear one side...but yea, her comments hurt and i appreciate ur support and taking the time to read whats on my mind...RayRay, ur right...i should totally say something like that back to her...but the thing is i would feel bad saying it!..although i shouldnt feel bad. i just dont want to inflict the pain i feel (when people make negative comments about my body) onto anyone. maybe ill start off with something on a smaller scale...like if she says something to me about something i didn't do (i.e. tp incident or taking out the trash) then ill come back with a response to that to point out that she isnt perfect either...and then ill use ur line "what, so u can dish it, but not take it?"...that would be a good start i think. thanks for the advice!

grrr

ok i just have to get this off my chest..maybe im PMSing right now, i dont know. so yea my roommate makes me soooooo angry sometimes. i just went to the bathroom, and the tp roll was empty, but i didnt realize this until after i already went...no big deal, i do that to myself sometimes and when no one is here i just ran out to the closet to get more...anyways so since she was here i ask her to grab me a roll and she was all "how does it feel bitch" and laughed (she says bitch all the time..its not meant to be mean)...but what pissed me off is that she said it as if i leave empty rolls in there all the time! which i know i accidently have on occasion...but i also remember to refill it all the time. it just makes me so mad cuz she is so fucking quick to point out what i do wrong, but never acknowledges that she does stuff like that too. im not asking her to admit that she forgets to put tp in there too, or that she doesn't reline the trash can after she takes out the trash or anything like that...i just get sooooo annoyed when she makes comments like that where she blames me for shit that she also does. she is totally one of those people that think their shit dont stink...well let me tell ya, it does, and it annoys the hell out of me. god, she just never admits to being wrong. also, i was wearing this sweater the other day that goes over my butt and is tight, but i wear it over jeans and she goes "why do you wear that sweater, it makes ur ass look even bigger than it already is." who says shit like that? she is totally demeaning sometimes and to be honest, it hurts my feelings. she is the same height as me, but is about 60 pounds heavier, but i NEVER say anything about her body, NEVER. maybe the normal person could brush comments like that off, but i cant. i mean i obviously have body issues, so this kind of stuff really affects me. whenever she would make any comments before i would laigh along with her and brush it off...but now its really getting to me...its getting old listening to her shit every fucking day...so now when she makes comments i just dont say anything at all...so shell say a comment, laugh at what she said, wait for a reaction -which she wont get from me-and then she kinda laughs to herself again, but i can tell she feels kinda stupid for saying whatever it is she said. you know what she kind of reminds me of? those construction workers that whistle and say things to you to get ur attention as u walk by...u know they are just looking for any kind of reaction, doesnt matter, they just want acknowledment that u heard and when u dont give them any kind of reaction at all, they stop or whatever. the point im trying to make is that i want to make her feel stupid for saying all the shit she says...so yea, ill just be passive and not say a word or make a face or anything...so shell just sit there laughing to herself about how "witty" she is, but no one's listening. anyways, sorry about my rant...i just had to get that off my chest...ok, not i really have to study!

back up again

...to 116.2...and that's after going to the bathroom in the morning. oh well. i am doing the spring break challenge though! so hopefully ill be motivated by that to get out of this rut i feel like im in. also i need to lose weight just in case i actually do do something for spring break this year. last year my boyfriend and his friend and girlfriend all took a road trip in an old RV down to palm dessert, and then over to LA and it was sooo much fun. and that trip was sooo last minute, so i had no time to prepare. also, the other girl that went was really thin...but at least thinking about that trip motivates me to lose weight, or at the very least tone up so i can be ready for anything. i guess thats all for now...time to do some studying =(

Dec. 6

Thanks guys for you supportive comments! You are all sooo nice! Annabullshit, best line of the movie! "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight" lol! That comment made my day...that is definitely how I feel...except, I'm more like 5 stomach flus away haha.

I am feeling slightly improved from yesterday. The doctor said that it's normal to still be experiencing some painful bloating. He pressed down on my abdomen and said it still feels like there is still a little bloating and hardness in my intestinal area. So, yea, I'm continuing to take it slow, although I am back to my coffee drinking, so that cant be great for my digestive system. But at this point, like I said before, I don't mind still feeling bloated, cuz then I don't eat as much. I still have all of my energy and everything, so I must be eating enough.

I haven't weighed myself yet...I'll post that later...I'm crossing my fingers...

nice little trip to the ER

This past week has been bittersweet. Last Friday at about 2am my stomach started to get sharp pains and swell...then about an hour later I was running to the bathroom and shitting and puking my brains out (sorry for the gross image)...but it was baaaad. Then, I went back to bed, but ended up running back and forth between the bathroom and my bedroom for another hour. On my last time to the bathroom, I though I was gonna pass out. After I was done in there, I barely made it back to my room. I was stumbling around trying not to fall to the ground. So I finally got back to bed to lay down. Then, I started to hear this "SSSSHHHHHHHHHHH"ing sound constantly in my ear. Then I really started to freak out, but all I could do was lay there cuz I was feeling so weak. So I just decided I would wait till my roommate woke up so she could take my pulse and blood pressure. When she finally did, she said my blood pressure was very low, and my heart rate was really high (she's an EMT so she said that was really bad). So she took me to the ER where they hooked up an IV and pumped a bunch of fluids back into me. The Dr. said she thought I had a bug thats been going around and that everything is fine otherwise cuz nothing came back in my urine. She told me to rest and not eat anything and only drink liquids for the rest of the day...I was happy to hear her say that.

So its been almost a week now, and my stomach is still not back to normal. I thought I was doing better on Super Bowl Sunday, and went over to my bf''s house and ate somewhat normally. I didnt really have anything heavy since about the only vegan thing they had there were sweet potato fries and tortilla chips. Maybe it was the oils? I don't know, but whatever it was, it attacked my stomach again in the middle of the night, but not nearly as bad as before. So ever since Sunday, Ive just been really careful with how much I eat.

The good side of this? I havent been able to binge cuz it hurts too much to have excessive amounts of food in my stomach. But the bad side is I feel constantly bloated and constipated. But I am happy cuz my stomach problems are preventing me from eating, and all the bloating makes me feel constantly full. I am going to the doctor today for the follow up for my ER visit. I hope its nothing serious and he just confirms that its just some bad bacteria in my stomach that will eventually leave. I dont want to take any medicine. Sometimes I hate western medicine...always trying to pump us with pills instead of addressing the problem. Maybe I'll have my friend take me to a Chinese Herbalist...she swears by that kinda stuff. Hey, I'm open to anything, esp. when it is something that is NOT manufactured in some laboratory somewhere.

But do you wanna know that sickest part of all of this? I almost dont want to get immediately better because Ive been doing really well at controlling my eating. Before I got sick, I had gotten up to 117, then 2 days ago, it said 113.2, and yesterday it said 114.2...I just dont want to go back up to 117! I'm scared. I havent weighed myself today, but I know if my stomach continues to hurt, the less I eat, and hopefully the less I weigh. Yea, Im sick in the head.

.....

Thanks for your comments! So the last time I posted, I was freaked out about the possibility of my roommate overhearing me throwing up in the shower. It's been about a week now, and she has not mentioned anything. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but she has to know something is up. She must see the food that I buy disappear fairly quickly...and it's not like I'm gaining any weight from eating so much cuz I try and throw it up when I can. But I have quit binging/purging for the last couple of days. Im trying really hard not to throw up. Oh, and I've been feeling so guilty lately about purging, that I told my boyfriend that I started doing it again. I feel so bad hiding stuff from him, so I had to tell him. He already knows that I have had issues with bulimia in the past, so it was really no suprise to him. He told me that if he stops smoking, I have to stop purging. I said ok...yet he is still smoking! lol. I'm trying to stop purging, and I only hope he will try to stop smoking...but it's really up to the individual. I know he will stop when he wants to...it's pointless to try to get someone to do something when they are not ready.

Oh, and on another note, I was talking to my Dad about food and self control and all that yesterday, and I am definitly my Father's Daughter. haha. I was telling him about this Kashi cereal with zero grams of sugar and 70 calories per cup...which led him to tell me that he doesnt buy cereal cuz he will just eat the whole box in one sitting! He doesn't buy anything that he knows he will pig out on cuz he thinks he has low will power. I find it funny cuz he is sooooo disciplined in everything he eats, and he works out and mountain bikes like crazy. Im pretty sure he only has like 6% body fat. I wish I could have that determination to work out like that. I definitely have his eating habits, but without the drive to workout excessively. We were also talking about how when we do pig out or whatever, its always with relatively healthy food though haha...its never oreos or candy or anything...its always like bran muffins or some vegan item with no refined sugar....like organic fig bars with peanut butter or almond butter. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting. Maybe my Dad has exercise bulimia? Cuz he'll call me to check in after he goes on like a half day mountain bike ride and Ill ask him why he went on such a long ride and sometimes he says its cuz he ate a lot the day before or something. Also, despite the fact that he is so thin, he stopped eating breakfast to lose more weight. Yea, so my Dad is pretty intense. I really really wish I could become addicted to working out like he is. I definitly have the addiction gene in me, that's for sure. Anyways, thanks for readingmy rant!

Umm uh oh

I'm stressing right now cuz im not sure if my roommate heard me throw up (rather unsuccessfully, dammit) or not. When I went in to take a shower and puke at the same time, no one was home...and when I got out of the shower, I thought no one was home...no one was in the living room at least, and since our rooms are close together, I don't remember seeing any signs of her. Then after tearing my room apart looking for my laxatives that I want to take (cuz i dont think i got to throw up everything), I walk out of my room and see the light of the tv on in the living room...so I head straight back in here to my room...and here i am wondering if she has been home for most of my purging session. I dont think i was quiet either...cuz when no one is home, i dont really care about the sound of gagging/puking. anyways, so im stressing out...im sitting here in my room, waiting. fuck. i wanted to head up to the bf's house, but now i dont want to walk by her. maybe if she brings it up, ill just say im not feeling well...i dont know. fuck.

I am now officially hooked...

to MARMITE! I went to the British Foods Store yesterday and bought some cuz I've been dying to try it. At first I think i used to much, but if you spread the thinnest layer across bread (I did it on a pita), it's really good. Each 4g serving is only 10 calories, and you def. dont use up the whole 4 grams cuz its so strong. Also, it has b vitamins, which is good cuz i dont eat meat or any other animal products. So ...yay! ...and it total satisfies my craving for salty foods cuz the flavor is so bold, so I eat less. Yet another great thing to come out of the UK!

On a side note, I'm still 115 lbs. I have been binging and purging a little bit...I think that's fucking things up. I just need to eat less. I'm always fine during the day....perfect during the day...and then night comes around and I eat! Someone commented earlier on here that they take sleeping pills sometimes. Ive tried that before but it ruins my entire day the next day cuz the pills dont wear off on time. Anyways, so I've been trying sleepytime extra tea, but that doesnt seem to help me either. There has to be something that can put me to sleep without negative side effects! Has anyone tried Valerian Root? or Melatonin?

Good to know...

Thanks to Nadja (Hunger Hurts, Starving Works) who found this about c & s:

When you smell, see, taste food, your body begins to release more stomach acid and insulin. Having an increase in insulin causes an increase in sugar storage - basically insulin grabs what sugar it can from the blood and moves it into muscle, and the liver as stores, and this will show in your weight! A lot of people will find that they may gain weight rather than lose it when chewing and spitting.

Thanks again Nadja!

C & S?

Does anyone know the possible negative side effects of chew and spit? I'm aware of increased cavities yada yada...that can be solved with brushing/rinsing/flossing afterwards...but I am obviously more concerned with actual weight GAIN. I've heard that the calories that slip by are usually negligable, but I read some stuff about it fucking with insulin or glucose levels or whatever and by putting stuff in your mouth without swallowing the insulin that is produced in anticipation for the incoming food never gets used cuz the food is never absorbed...or something like that. i dont remember all the details, but that scares me to know that you can actually GAIN weight by doing it. Anyways, just looking for advice and/or other people's experiences. Thanks!

crazy dream

If anyone cares to read...I had the strangest dream last night. I had a dream that I went to a party with a group of friends, including my boyfriend, and when we got there we all went different ways, talking with different people etc etc....as the night goes on, I see my boyfriend every once in awhile, all is well. Then I get tired, and apparently a friend of mine lives across the street so I go over there to go to bed. But when I get there, I realize I hadnt seen my bf in a couple hours, and everyone that is now over at my friends house, post-party, tell me not to go back to the party to look for him. This makes me worried, so of course I go back...and when I walk in I notice some people are naked, just casually sitting and talking. It wasn't like an orgy or anything, no one having sex or anything...just sitting around/walking around naked. Then I notice my bf walking around naked with some other chick! I go up to him and was like "What are you doing?!" He just shrugged and said "Sorry." No emotion from him, and he kept on holding her hand. (Piece of backround info...my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years...so to dream about this was a nighmare!). Then they just casually walk away, as if nothings wrong and I run after them trying to yell and get their attention but they pretty much ignore me. So I run off to go cry somewhere, and then suddenly I am in a laundry mat and I look up from crying and notice there is a gift certificate to the laundry mat, saying I had won free laundry or something and then I look around and my boyfriend and that girl were there and they start laughing, telling me it was all a trick and that he hadnt cheated on me and that it was some kind of prank he had to do to get free laundry money! Soooo weird! This whole part in the laundry mat appraently took place the following morning cuz then when i got my bf alone to ask him if he had really not cheated on me he said "of course not!"...so then I was like "no girl slept in ur bed last night?"...and then he said "well, some chick did pass out on my bed, so i just let her sleep there, but we didnt't do anything." At this point my dream starts dwindling down, and i dont remember much more except that there was a gas station and some argument about letting a girl pass out in his bed...blah blah blah...but i was so releived when I finally woke up and realized it was all a dream!

Jan. 13

Yay! The scale read 113.8 this afternoon...even after that crazy binge last night. Let's see if I can keep it down...

Binge

So, the fast went decently. I ended up just aiming for 24 hours instead of 36, thinking it would prevent me from binging if I cut it a little short. Well, it didn't and I binged. I ended up eating over 1000 cals at the end! Fuckity Fuck Fuck! Oh well, I feel fine today, prob cuz i slept like 11 hours, so the food that I scarfed down should pass shortly, especially since they were all high fiber foods that I gulped down. I really wanted to purge last night, but I didn't. The only thing really keeping me from doing so is that I take my birth control at night, so I reeeaaalllyyyy didnt want to puke that up. I will take an extra 1000 cals anyday over fucking up and getting pregnant. Abortions are expensive. Kids are expensive. It's a lose-lose situation.

Now I am just gonna go back to restricting. I seem to do better with that. Oh, and I am going to go buy the pgx powder at some point today.

...

Does anyone happen to know the height and weight of the lead singer of Paramore (Hayley Williams)? I think she is around 5'1" or 5'2"...but some sites say she is 5'5"...but I haven't found anything at all about her weight. Thanks!

Jan. 12

So I got home last night from work around midnight and had like a 600 calorie (at least) binge. It put me in way over 1000 cal for yesterday. Maybe it's cuz I didn't take the pgx? Anyways, so I laid in bed, soooo uncomfortably full and I couldnt sleep. I maaaaybe got 2 hours of sleep, maaaaybeeee. I've been wanting to do a short water fast for awhile now, and decided today would be the best day. It's been a long time since I've gone 36 hours with at least something besides water...coffee at least, or soup....so this is starting to get hard for me. I want to give in and at least have some soup or broccoli, but I WONT! Reading everyone's blogs is keeping me motivated. And besides, I keep on reminding myself that I should at least do this for my health, if not a nice little jump start into some weight loss. I read about the benefits of a short water fast like this on npr radio's website...and then I looked into it further and read an article about how to ease out of it so you don't get sick or whatever. Here are the links if anyone is interested:

npr article:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16513299&ps=cprs

the other article:

http://ezinearticles.com/?24-Hour-Water-Fasting-For-Weight-Loss-and-Detoxification&id=1380813

Oh, and I'm super addicted to caffiene, so this is extra hard cuz I'm starting to get a headache...prob caffiene withdrawl. And on one last note, I weighed 115.0 today.

pgx help!

So a few days ago I bought some pgx pills which are supposed to be some sort of fiber blend that staves of hunger or something. Anyways, at a low dose, it doesn't make me feel full, just bloated...and at the next level dosage it makes me feel full, but also super uncomfortable and SUPER BLOATED! Is anyone taking these too? I know Anna @ My Paper Bag is, so if you read this, do you have any advice? Also, how long before the meal should I be taking the pills? Or am I just supposed to take it during? I know these pills will work if I can just get the timing and dose right.

On another note, I seem to be hovering right under 115 lbs. So Frusterating!

I Love Getting Comments...

it keeps me motivated!

Dontpukeinmywellies, ...I also had a bunch of snacks that werent vegan in the beginning. What I did was I just didn't buy any more stuff that wasn't vegan, and slowly finished the non-vegan snacks in my cupboard so they wouldnt go to waste. Also, I find that when I don't eat as much processed food, and eat more fruits and veggies anyways, I feel better. But it's hard cuz chips and stuff taste so damn good! And as for milk, I drink almond milk, and try to avoid soya milk. I've been able to find unsweetened almond milk that is 40 calories for a whole cup, and I never add that much to my coffee. I've also read something gross about milk...there is puss from the cows udders in milk. Its a small amount, but its still there. Maybe theres not so much in organic milk, or milk from smaller farms where the animals might be treated better and arent attached to milking machines all fucking day. The reason there is puss is cuz the udders get tired and infected from milking so much. Anyways, that really grossed me out when I learned that. I've also read that after the age of 5 your body stops producing the enzyme to break milk down. When you think about it, we are the only animals on earth that still drink milk as an adult...and we drink ANOTHER SPECIES' milk at that! So those facts pretty much helped me to stop drinking milk too, haha. I hope I'm not coming off all preachy...I'm just relaying information that I've found in the past, and hopefully it will help you. At least ur in the UK, right? You guys have higher standards than the US for this kind of shit. The US has allowed for the highed parts-per-million of puss in our milk than any other developed country....I think the UK is stricter with their food laws, which is good...im jealous.

Jan. 3

I haven't weighed myself yet today, but yesterday the scale wavered between 114.6 and 114.8. It better not go back over 115.0 or I will be pissed. At least work has been busy, so I never think about food there...it's just when I get home at the end of the day when I fuck up my whole day. Anyone have any suggestions for resisting temptation at the end of the day? I always regret it immediately after I eat whatever it is I eat cuz I always eat until I'm full at the end of the day and I hate it. Then I wake up the next morning still feeling gross. I like going to bed on an empty stomach cuz when I wake up the next day I always feel so much better. It's just hard remembering how good an empty stomach feels in the morning when I'm super hungry at night.

Anyways, so the last few days of eating didn't go as planned. I've been with family and friends, and they now all go out of their way to fix vegan stuff for me when we all get together. My mom made me vegetable soup and got a vegan apple crumble thingy...fuck I forget what they're called. Anyways, needless to say, I ate everything. She sent me home with the soup, which I think it pretty light on the calories...it's just sweet potatoes, carrots, celery and vegetable broth with various seasonings...no cream or anything of course, so I think it's healthy.

Alright, gotta start getting ready for work here....