.....

Thanks for your comments! So the last time I posted, I was freaked out about the possibility of my roommate overhearing me throwing up in the shower. It's been about a week now, and she has not mentioned anything. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but she has to know something is up. She must see the food that I buy disappear fairly quickly...and it's not like I'm gaining any weight from eating so much cuz I try and throw it up when I can. But I have quit binging/purging for the last couple of days. Im trying really hard not to throw up. Oh, and I've been feeling so guilty lately about purging, that I told my boyfriend that I started doing it again. I feel so bad hiding stuff from him, so I had to tell him. He already knows that I have had issues with bulimia in the past, so it was really no suprise to him. He told me that if he stops smoking, I have to stop purging. I said ok...yet he is still smoking! lol. I'm trying to stop purging, and I only hope he will try to stop smoking...but it's really up to the individual. I know he will stop when he wants to...it's pointless to try to get someone to do something when they are not ready.

Oh, and on another note, I was talking to my Dad about food and self control and all that yesterday, and I am definitly my Father's Daughter. haha. I was telling him about this Kashi cereal with zero grams of sugar and 70 calories per cup...which led him to tell me that he doesnt buy cereal cuz he will just eat the whole box in one sitting! He doesn't buy anything that he knows he will pig out on cuz he thinks he has low will power. I find it funny cuz he is sooooo disciplined in everything he eats, and he works out and mountain bikes like crazy. Im pretty sure he only has like 6% body fat. I wish I could have that determination to work out like that. I definitely have his eating habits, but without the drive to workout excessively. We were also talking about how when we do pig out or whatever, its always with relatively healthy food though haha...its never oreos or candy or anything...its always like bran muffins or some vegan item with no refined sugar....like organic fig bars with peanut butter or almond butter. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting. Maybe my Dad has exercise bulimia? Cuz he'll call me to check in after he goes on like a half day mountain bike ride and Ill ask him why he went on such a long ride and sometimes he says its cuz he ate a lot the day before or something. Also, despite the fact that he is so thin, he stopped eating breakfast to lose more weight. Yea, so my Dad is pretty intense. I really really wish I could become addicted to working out like he is. I definitly have the addiction gene in me, that's for sure. Anyways, thanks for readingmy rant!

Umm uh oh

I'm stressing right now cuz im not sure if my roommate heard me throw up (rather unsuccessfully, dammit) or not. When I went in to take a shower and puke at the same time, no one was home...and when I got out of the shower, I thought no one was home...no one was in the living room at least, and since our rooms are close together, I don't remember seeing any signs of her. Then after tearing my room apart looking for my laxatives that I want to take (cuz i dont think i got to throw up everything), I walk out of my room and see the light of the tv on in the living room...so I head straight back in here to my room...and here i am wondering if she has been home for most of my purging session. I dont think i was quiet either...cuz when no one is home, i dont really care about the sound of gagging/puking. anyways, so im stressing out...im sitting here in my room, waiting. fuck. i wanted to head up to the bf's house, but now i dont want to walk by her. maybe if she brings it up, ill just say im not feeling well...i dont know. fuck.

I am now officially hooked...

to MARMITE! I went to the British Foods Store yesterday and bought some cuz I've been dying to try it. At first I think i used to much, but if you spread the thinnest layer across bread (I did it on a pita), it's really good. Each 4g serving is only 10 calories, and you def. dont use up the whole 4 grams cuz its so strong. Also, it has b vitamins, which is good cuz i dont eat meat or any other animal products. So ...yay! ...and it total satisfies my craving for salty foods cuz the flavor is so bold, so I eat less. Yet another great thing to come out of the UK!

On a side note, I'm still 115 lbs. I have been binging and purging a little bit...I think that's fucking things up. I just need to eat less. I'm always fine during the day....perfect during the day...and then night comes around and I eat! Someone commented earlier on here that they take sleeping pills sometimes. Ive tried that before but it ruins my entire day the next day cuz the pills dont wear off on time. Anyways, so I've been trying sleepytime extra tea, but that doesnt seem to help me either. There has to be something that can put me to sleep without negative side effects! Has anyone tried Valerian Root? or Melatonin?

Good to know...

Thanks to Nadja (Hunger Hurts, Starving Works) who found this about c & s:

When you smell, see, taste food, your body begins to release more stomach acid and insulin. Having an increase in insulin causes an increase in sugar storage - basically insulin grabs what sugar it can from the blood and moves it into muscle, and the liver as stores, and this will show in your weight! A lot of people will find that they may gain weight rather than lose it when chewing and spitting.

Thanks again Nadja!

C & S?

Does anyone know the possible negative side effects of chew and spit? I'm aware of increased cavities yada yada...that can be solved with brushing/rinsing/flossing afterwards...but I am obviously more concerned with actual weight GAIN. I've heard that the calories that slip by are usually negligable, but I read some stuff about it fucking with insulin or glucose levels or whatever and by putting stuff in your mouth without swallowing the insulin that is produced in anticipation for the incoming food never gets used cuz the food is never absorbed...or something like that. i dont remember all the details, but that scares me to know that you can actually GAIN weight by doing it. Anyways, just looking for advice and/or other people's experiences. Thanks!

crazy dream

If anyone cares to read...I had the strangest dream last night. I had a dream that I went to a party with a group of friends, including my boyfriend, and when we got there we all went different ways, talking with different people etc etc....as the night goes on, I see my boyfriend every once in awhile, all is well. Then I get tired, and apparently a friend of mine lives across the street so I go over there to go to bed. But when I get there, I realize I hadnt seen my bf in a couple hours, and everyone that is now over at my friends house, post-party, tell me not to go back to the party to look for him. This makes me worried, so of course I go back...and when I walk in I notice some people are naked, just casually sitting and talking. It wasn't like an orgy or anything, no one having sex or anything...just sitting around/walking around naked. Then I notice my bf walking around naked with some other chick! I go up to him and was like "What are you doing?!" He just shrugged and said "Sorry." No emotion from him, and he kept on holding her hand. (Piece of backround info...my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years...so to dream about this was a nighmare!). Then they just casually walk away, as if nothings wrong and I run after them trying to yell and get their attention but they pretty much ignore me. So I run off to go cry somewhere, and then suddenly I am in a laundry mat and I look up from crying and notice there is a gift certificate to the laundry mat, saying I had won free laundry or something and then I look around and my boyfriend and that girl were there and they start laughing, telling me it was all a trick and that he hadnt cheated on me and that it was some kind of prank he had to do to get free laundry money! Soooo weird! This whole part in the laundry mat appraently took place the following morning cuz then when i got my bf alone to ask him if he had really not cheated on me he said "of course not!"...so then I was like "no girl slept in ur bed last night?"...and then he said "well, some chick did pass out on my bed, so i just let her sleep there, but we didnt't do anything." At this point my dream starts dwindling down, and i dont remember much more except that there was a gas station and some argument about letting a girl pass out in his bed...blah blah blah...but i was so releived when I finally woke up and realized it was all a dream!

Jan. 13

Yay! The scale read 113.8 this afternoon...even after that crazy binge last night. Let's see if I can keep it down...

Binge

So, the fast went decently. I ended up just aiming for 24 hours instead of 36, thinking it would prevent me from binging if I cut it a little short. Well, it didn't and I binged. I ended up eating over 1000 cals at the end! Fuckity Fuck Fuck! Oh well, I feel fine today, prob cuz i slept like 11 hours, so the food that I scarfed down should pass shortly, especially since they were all high fiber foods that I gulped down. I really wanted to purge last night, but I didn't. The only thing really keeping me from doing so is that I take my birth control at night, so I reeeaaalllyyyy didnt want to puke that up. I will take an extra 1000 cals anyday over fucking up and getting pregnant. Abortions are expensive. Kids are expensive. It's a lose-lose situation.

Now I am just gonna go back to restricting. I seem to do better with that. Oh, and I am going to go buy the pgx powder at some point today.

...

Does anyone happen to know the height and weight of the lead singer of Paramore (Hayley Williams)? I think she is around 5'1" or 5'2"...but some sites say she is 5'5"...but I haven't found anything at all about her weight. Thanks!

Jan. 12

So I got home last night from work around midnight and had like a 600 calorie (at least) binge. It put me in way over 1000 cal for yesterday. Maybe it's cuz I didn't take the pgx? Anyways, so I laid in bed, soooo uncomfortably full and I couldnt sleep. I maaaaybe got 2 hours of sleep, maaaaybeeee. I've been wanting to do a short water fast for awhile now, and decided today would be the best day. It's been a long time since I've gone 36 hours with at least something besides water...coffee at least, or soup....so this is starting to get hard for me. I want to give in and at least have some soup or broccoli, but I WONT! Reading everyone's blogs is keeping me motivated. And besides, I keep on reminding myself that I should at least do this for my health, if not a nice little jump start into some weight loss. I read about the benefits of a short water fast like this on npr radio's website...and then I looked into it further and read an article about how to ease out of it so you don't get sick or whatever. Here are the links if anyone is interested:

npr article:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16513299&ps=cprs

the other article:

http://ezinearticles.com/?24-Hour-Water-Fasting-For-Weight-Loss-and-Detoxification&id=1380813

Oh, and I'm super addicted to caffiene, so this is extra hard cuz I'm starting to get a headache...prob caffiene withdrawl. And on one last note, I weighed 115.0 today.

pgx help!

So a few days ago I bought some pgx pills which are supposed to be some sort of fiber blend that staves of hunger or something. Anyways, at a low dose, it doesn't make me feel full, just bloated...and at the next level dosage it makes me feel full, but also super uncomfortable and SUPER BLOATED! Is anyone taking these too? I know Anna @ My Paper Bag is, so if you read this, do you have any advice? Also, how long before the meal should I be taking the pills? Or am I just supposed to take it during? I know these pills will work if I can just get the timing and dose right.

On another note, I seem to be hovering right under 115 lbs. So Frusterating!

I Love Getting Comments...

it keeps me motivated!

Dontpukeinmywellies, ...I also had a bunch of snacks that werent vegan in the beginning. What I did was I just didn't buy any more stuff that wasn't vegan, and slowly finished the non-vegan snacks in my cupboard so they wouldnt go to waste. Also, I find that when I don't eat as much processed food, and eat more fruits and veggies anyways, I feel better. But it's hard cuz chips and stuff taste so damn good! And as for milk, I drink almond milk, and try to avoid soya milk. I've been able to find unsweetened almond milk that is 40 calories for a whole cup, and I never add that much to my coffee. I've also read something gross about milk...there is puss from the cows udders in milk. Its a small amount, but its still there. Maybe theres not so much in organic milk, or milk from smaller farms where the animals might be treated better and arent attached to milking machines all fucking day. The reason there is puss is cuz the udders get tired and infected from milking so much. Anyways, that really grossed me out when I learned that. I've also read that after the age of 5 your body stops producing the enzyme to break milk down. When you think about it, we are the only animals on earth that still drink milk as an adult...and we drink ANOTHER SPECIES' milk at that! So those facts pretty much helped me to stop drinking milk too, haha. I hope I'm not coming off all preachy...I'm just relaying information that I've found in the past, and hopefully it will help you. At least ur in the UK, right? You guys have higher standards than the US for this kind of shit. The US has allowed for the highed parts-per-million of puss in our milk than any other developed country....I think the UK is stricter with their food laws, which is good...im jealous.

Jan. 3

I haven't weighed myself yet today, but yesterday the scale wavered between 114.6 and 114.8. It better not go back over 115.0 or I will be pissed. At least work has been busy, so I never think about food there...it's just when I get home at the end of the day when I fuck up my whole day. Anyone have any suggestions for resisting temptation at the end of the day? I always regret it immediately after I eat whatever it is I eat cuz I always eat until I'm full at the end of the day and I hate it. Then I wake up the next morning still feeling gross. I like going to bed on an empty stomach cuz when I wake up the next day I always feel so much better. It's just hard remembering how good an empty stomach feels in the morning when I'm super hungry at night.

Anyways, so the last few days of eating didn't go as planned. I've been with family and friends, and they now all go out of their way to fix vegan stuff for me when we all get together. My mom made me vegetable soup and got a vegan apple crumble thingy...fuck I forget what they're called. Anyways, needless to say, I ate everything. She sent me home with the soup, which I think it pretty light on the calories...it's just sweet potatoes, carrots, celery and vegetable broth with various seasonings...no cream or anything of course, so I think it's healthy.

Alright, gotta start getting ready for work here....