Just Waiting...

...for the caffeine to kick in. I'm soooo tried. I just took Hydroxycut which should wake me up...and I'm drinking a sugar-free rockstar (which I am positive is not vegan, damn it). I know they are bad for me, esp. the rockstar with the artificial sweetners and dyes, but I don't care when I have a day of studying to power through. On days like this I really wish I had a more powerful substance to get through studying, but I can't. I have 4 years of being clean & sober under my belt, so to take adderall (which is what I really want right now) would erase all my hard work of staying clean. Adderall wasn't what I was into when I was using, but I have such an addictive personality I have to stay away from anything like it...the only thing I can have is caffeine...and more recently I've been taking Hydroxycut. For being an ex- pill popper, I can't seem to remember to take all my frickin diet pills! I've tried everything recently...pgx fiber pills and powder, pinolenic acid supplements (pine nut oil), and now hydroxycut....but I don't take them consistantly enough to see results....well, not only that, but I am terrified that they may have a negative effect on my birth control...that would be a nightmare. I am hesistant to ask my OBGYN or my main doctor cuz then they would get on me for trying to lose weight cuz in medical terms I'm where I am supposed to be (5'2.5" / 114 lbs)...but we all know the healthy range for weight in medical terms in TOO HIGH! Wow, this is turning into a ramble...sorry! Now I forgot my point of all this...

Oh...does anyone have a recommendation for an over-the-counter stimulant (besides caffeine)?

Fuck...maybe I should just kick caffeine too...I've been thinking about it...but I need something to jump start my days, and to keep me going.

I don't know...I have this horrible all-or-nothing personality...and I'm super indecisive too. I don't really beleive in the whole Astrological sign crap, but I am a Gemini, and I think it describes me perfectly....I always feel split down the middle. Sometimes its good...like I totally can sympathize with 2 opposing stories/groups/ideas etc...but sometimes its bad, like when it comes to my body...

Sometimes I'm on a health kick, and eat well, exercise, and limit my caffeine intake and trying to lose weight the healthy way....other days I severely restrict..... I am taking all these pills to suppress my appetite, I don't eat all day, then I'll binge at night, and I'll drink massive amounts of energy drinks. Also, sometimes I just say fuck it, and start binging from the beginning of the day. I can never find balance. Moderation is a foreign concept to me. I don't do anything in moderation. And where has that gotten me? Well, weight wise...NOWHERE! I really apply myself at school, and that is paying off well with good grades...why can't apply that to my diet/exercise regime? Why can't I give it my all? Oh, and another thing...that all or nothing mentality fucks me up when I've binged...I think, "I just ate all that, so I might as well keep on going"...so frustrating...

Ok, enough self-hatred, I want to switch gears...

Kat at Quest for Perfection has 2 amazing/filling/low-cal recipes for soup. I've tried this one, and it was good..except I accidently added too much pepper, haha...oh and instead of using olive oil, I used Trader Joe's Canola Oil cookng spray cuz as long as I don't spray a lot, it's lower calorie, and I think might work just as well. Also, I plan on trying this one when I want to take a break from studying.

Thanks Kat!

Ok, I'm going to go catch up on all your blogs, then start studying! Have a good day!